AN ANGEL IN DISGUISE

On September 16, 2016 I lost my grandmother to stroke.

Everyone has fears. It can be big or small. The anxiety rush in our blood when we have to face for the worst will leave us either in tears or speechless, and scarred for the longest of time. The only fear that I had, was losing my family members to death.

Growing up, I have never actually like being around my grandmother whom I called Tok. She has always been the type who was loud and annoying, at least, that was what I remember. I was her first grandchildren, but her treatments to me felt like I was not any important than the other few grandchildren. Her selfishness often fired me up, especially when she came to pay us a visit. I feel bothered by her existence in our house, because she simply never stopped talking. Apart from that, I was extremely annoyed that she oftentimes used her right hand that she used to eat to scoop out any dish that my mother made. Hence, the spoons were dirty every time I wanted to have my meals.

            My hatred towards her grew when I knew that she hurt my father to feed the family of her last children. My uncle was a lazy man who caused troubles all the time. He never learnt from his mistakes, a scourge of the house and a burden to every member of the family. There was one time that he was in debt with Ah Long. Tok had to sacrifice most of her properties to help my uncle with his debt. Therefore, he asked for my father’s help and screamed to him when he denied her request. My father broke down that night and told us that he solely just wanted my uncle to learn his mistakes the hard way because it had been so many times.

            A few years later, when she came to pay us visit during the third day of Eid Al Fitr, she fell in our bathroom and was rushed to the hospital. We were informed that she had a head concussion and fell straight into stroke. Her body was fully paralyzed and my father took care of her for a month before my auntie sorted her place for Tok in Johor. My father was not well himself during that time, but he tried giving out his best in feeding and picked her up for shower every day. A day before my auntie came, my father handed me a comb after showering her. I was shocked and reluctant.

Nevertheless, I slowly grabbed a chair to sit next to her bed and started combing her long white hair. I was surprised on how smooth and silky her hair was during the combing. I have never realized any details of her features because I was just too egocentric. In that moment of time, I realized something that touched my soul deeply. My grandmother was an old woman who just wanted attentions from everyone, hence why she would never stopped talking when she paid us visits. She was often lonely back in hometown after the passing of my grandfather, and she was just excited to talk and catch up with us.

I also realized that we had similar weaknesses. Tok put everyone before herself. Although my grandfather abandoned her after giving birth to their last child but, when he got cancer in his old age, she told him, “Come back Man, I’ll take care of you.” She nursed him until he died. She worked very hard to feed her five children and provided them the best education. Therewithal, answered why she would help my uncle to solve out his mess no matter how much he disappoints her. That was the kind of person she was, which I was too selfish to acknowledge.

Two months later on a Monday, I received a call from my auntie when I was at my campus in Perak. She told me that Tok was mumbling out my name for countless of times after she was hospitalized again. I was informed that she was in a horrible shape and always been gasping for air. However, my mother was sickly worried for my safety because I have never drove myself far across the states alone. So, her permission to me was denied. Therefore, she consoled me by telling that she would take the train to accompany me to Johor on that weekend and I had to agree.

On that particular Friday, I took my mom for lunch once she arrived in Tanjung Malim. Our plan was heading to Johor that evening after my classes finish because I could not wait longer. When I was walking back my mom to the hotel, my phone rang and my auntie’s name popped on the screen of my phone. I had a bad anxiety rush and quickly answered. I could recalled how badly she was crying on the phone while telling me that Tok was gone. My heart was shattered, my head was spinning and I fell down on my knees. That was the first loudest cry, I have ever done in my entire life.

My entire family flew her to her house in Penang for her funeral. She was buried next to my late grandfather. I never stopped crying out my pain even after two weeks of her passing. I was mourning for the longest time knowing I could not make it to her before she died. In fact, I was the only person left in my entire family that she never get to see before she was hospitalized and fell into coma for a few days. Never in my wildest thoughts, that I think it would wretched me this bad after the passing of Tok, someone who I did not favor during her living.

I learnt my lesson to not take things for granted in the most regretful and a heart-rending way. I learnt to not be selfish to any decision I made. Nothing could be done to fix my altruistic act, losing Tok was indeed the bitter pill I had to swallow for the rest of my life.